Til We Meet Again My Precious Baby Girl

When my husband and I decided to have another baby, we were so excited and nervous. We already have two young children, but we felt that someone wanted to join our family. We decided to trust God, trust our feelings, and go ahead with having another baby. We love children, and we overjoyed with the idea of having another precious child in our home. We felt that it was the right time. So when we found out we were pregnant the end of September, we were so excited.

We made my doctor's appointment a little early since we weren't 100% sure when I was due since I never got my period back due to breastfeeding. When the day the appointment arrived, we were so excited to get to see our precious baby. However, the unexpected happened. I never thought that my doctor's appointment would end up in me leaving in tears and feeling so helpless. At my doctor's appointment, I was informed by my doctor that my pregnancy would most likely end up in a miscarriage. All she could say to me was "it is hard growing a baby" and "at least you know you can kids". I left so angry because my baby, the one I might lose, matters to me. My baby that would be number 3 matters.

I had to wait several hours to hear back on the results of the blood work to determine my hormone levels. Based on the results, my doctor said "it is a miscarriage". My baby measured 6.5 weeks and I knew I was somewhere between 6 to 10 weeks along. The doctor felt that there should have been a heartbeat.She wanted me to get vaginal pills or schedule a D&C. I was horrified. From my research, there was still a possibility that I might not have a miscarriage so I believed in that. I told my doctor that I would wait two days and get my blood drawn again so I would know without a doubt what was going on. My doctor wasn't happy, but I didn't care. I already made up my mind that I would never see her again. Life is very sacred to me and I treat life with respect. I could not take something that would make my body start cramping and bleeding if my baby was still alive.

And so began the longest 2 days of my life. I rested, I prayed, and then I prayed and rested some more. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that my precious baby girl would be saved (I felt that this baby was a girl and so far I have never been wrong about the gender of my babies). When moments of doubt entered my mind, I would go and pray to remove my unbelief. I told God that I put my trust in Him. My husband felt the same way that I did so I was grateful to have his love and support. During my days of prayer, I came across this quote by  Dieter F. Uchtdor, 1st counselor of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that I felt was an answer to my prayer!

I know many of you struggle with difficulties and trials. You are in my prayers. I hope that you will continue to pray as well. Your prayers are heard. Your Father in Heaven knows the desires of your heart. I cannot tell you why one individual’s prayers are answered one way while someone else’s are answered differently. But this I can tell you: the righteous desires of your hearts will bring blessings to your lives.

No matter your circumstances or trials in life, I urge you to remember who you are, where you came from, and where you are going—for the answers to those questions will truly provide confidence and direction for your life.

When the two days were up and I finally got my blood work results in, I couldn't believe what I was told. My hormone levels dropped quite a bit. I was having a miscarriage. What hurt the most was to have to tell my husband the news. He was in shock and didn't want to believe. He asked, "Could they be wrong?" I will never forget the look in his eyes when he learned the truth from my eyes. Oh how we both wished that the blood work was wrong. But deep down I knew the tests weren't wrong. This pregnancy felt different. I figured it was due to me being tired because I have two kids to take care of and more responsibilities. But now it makes sense. For the last month I had expressed concern to Broden about my feelings and the fact that I haven't had a dream about our baby. I normally have a dream about holding a baby when I am first pregnant and that is when I know if the baby is a male or female. I didn't have a dream because I wasn't going to get to hold my baby in this life.

I don't regret my two days of praying for a miracle. I don't regret believing that my baby was still alive. I know of stories where women were in my situation and their baby lived! So if you are in my situation, then don't give up. Wait a few more days because you never know if your baby will be a miracle baby!

Once again the hospital tried to persuade me to do get vaginal pills or do a D&C and I told them no. I wanted to do my miscarriage naturally. They weren't too happy, and I didn't care. I was so done with the hospital that I turned to a group of "crunchy mamas" for help and support. A midwife from the group contacted me and showed me so much support. She told me what to expect, how to manage the bleeding, and herbs and oils to use. I could contact her anytime with questions, and she would answer them as quickly as she could. I understand why so many women go to midwives now. I think I might go to a midwife when I have another baby.

I waited several days before my body officially started the miscarriage. Thankfully, I had my husband to be with me and my mom to watch the kids. When I passed the placenta and egg sac, there was so much peace in the room. A feeling of sacredness entered the room. I truly felt my little girl there telling me and Broden that everything will be okay...telling me that she is more than her little body...telling me that she will be visiting me frequently...and telling me that she will be waiting until the day that I can see her again. Broden made a simple box so we could do a do a little memorial for her and bury her in our yard in a safe place.It just felt right to do that. Oh, how I am grateful that I know that life continues beyond the grave.

During this time of loss, I got to see the love and kindness that life offers to everyone. I had people bring in meals, small gifts, and flowers. I had people text and call to see how I was doing. I was supported during the hardest experience of my life. I had to focus on those things as I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Hannah was very kind and shared this video with me. I have listened to it so many times because it truly speaks to my aching soul.

The Thanksgiving holiday was truly hard for me. It was the time that my husband and I were going to announce to our family and friends that we were expecting. Instead we had to face the hard truth that our little girl will not be joining our family right now. Instead I had to think has it really been 9 days since I lost my baby. It was hard to be so grateful for my blessings but yet be so empty and sad. I am extremely grateful to have read this article because it made me feel more normal.

I know it might be hard to know what to do or say to those who have experienced a loss of a child in any way. Here is an article that will help: pardon my grief.

My pregnancy hormones have left my body. I no longer feel nauseated which makes me curl up and cry. My pants fit better which makes me angry. I hear from family and friends who are expecting and I cry. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for their news. I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone; it is just hard to know that you have lost a precious baby and wonder why your baby couldn't stay.

I am grieving. I am devastated. My emotions change dramatically over the day. These last two weeks have been the longest two weeks of my life. Where can I turn for peace? I have turned to my God and to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I rely on them for support and understanding.  My testimony in the resurrection and in Jesus Christ keeps me afloat knowing that my little girl lives. I am using the atonement provided by my Savior, Jesus Christ, to heal. A little bit by little, I am healing. I feel a little more. I'm not as angry. I feel that I will survive.

My little girl will always be remembered. Broden and I have numbered her as one of our children. She will not be forgotten. We are healing, but there will always be a part of our hearts that will yearn for the day when we will get to see and hold her.

There Is No Such Thing As Luck

Back in September, we were all outside. Broden and I wanted to get a lot of yard work done. Broden trimmed a lot of dead branches from our trees so we needed to cut them up and put some in the green waste, shred them, and do a burn barrel.

Anyways, I decided to take the kids in to start getting dinner ready. They were having so much fun outside. Patrick was digging in the dirt and playing with his dump truck while Ian explored the yard and occasionally helped Patrick dig in the dirt. When I was collecting the food that I picked from the garden and encouraging the kids to head to the house, that is when I heard Broden shout and turn off the table saw. I immediately felt sick to my stomach as Broden ran to the house.

While I quickly got the kids inside, I waited anxiously to hear how bad Broden cut himself. I was so afraid that he cut off some fingers. However, he only cut one finger and it was still attached to his hand. So I left my chickens and my rabbit in my yard and prayed that nothing would go wrong as I packed up the kids and took Broden to the Instacare. I know....the insta care. But that is what Broden insisted on going. I have to admit that I did speed since Broden wasn't looking the best. After I dropped him off at the instacare, I then took my kids to my mom's place.

Broden was able to get seen right away because he almost passed out from the shock of the accident. Because the doctor said the cut was deeper than she was comfortable stitching, I took him to the ER. After 4.5 hours of waiting, x rays, and stitches, we were able to go home. The amazing thing is that the table saw only nicked the bone and missed his tendons. The doctor told Broden that he was lucky and Broden quickly stated, "There is no such thing as luck." So true. We know that God blessed Broden with a minimal injury.

And nothing happened to my chickens or rabbit. They were safe and sound. Another blessing! So just remember that there really is no such as luck, instead remember that you were blessed and that Heavenly Father is really watching over you!

May Flowers - The Power of Fasting

Because Ian has recently been diagnosed with a rare disease, I have worried a lot about my little boy. He is so precious to me, and I want him to have the best life he can. He has Mastocytosis and we are waiting to meet with a Immunology Specialist in order to verify what type it is (click here for a post about Ian's condition).

Ian can get extremely fussy, and he doesn't sleep well. His disease can cause many types of symptoms so we figure this is why he just doesn't feel well and wants to be held constantly. I sure love to cuddle with Ian, but it prevents me from doing practically everything.

On May 4th, Broden and I decided to do a family fast. We contacted our family members and had them spread the word about the fast. We wanted to pray for Ian's health, his condition to improve, and that we can gave guidance on how to take care of our precious little boy.

This picture just makes me smile :)

And, our prayers were answered! Ian now only gets up 2-3 times a night instead of 6-8. There have even been a few nights where I only got up with him once!!! I know that the fasting and prayers helped Ian because it was May 4th when Ian started to sleep better. We also talked with Ian's doctor about giving him probiotics and the doctor said that it would be a great idea. So we have been giving him probiotics which have helped regulate his digestive system. Ian seems happier. He still has his problems and other symptoms, but I'm so grateful that he now sleeps better.

Plus, we were able to get an appointment into Primary Children's Hospital at end of this month!! This is another huge blessing since we were told it would be most likely between July and September. I'm so grateful for all the family members and friends who have prayed and fasted for Ian. I know that fasting helped my little boy.

And, here is a picture of Patrick playing in his cardboard house I made for him. He sure is getting bigger every day. Patrick loves books so you can usually catch him "reading" when he is playing by himself.

April Showers Bring May Flowers

April was simply a horrible month for me. I went into April feeling like I was barely hanging onto my rope, and April just knocked me off and I hit what I feel like is rock bottom. Broden has been working tons of mandatory overtime so he is rarely home which leaves me to do the housework and yard work. I love doing yard work, but when that is all I'm doing on only a few hours of sleep then I get really burned out. Why am I only getting so little sleep? One word: Ian.

Which leads me into saying why April was such a horrible month. At Ian's 9 month wellness appointment, I asked about Ian's mole like spots. I kept having a feeling that I needed to talk with the doctor about it, and so I did. And that is when I got the news that no mom wants to hear: "Your baby has a rare disease." My heart has hurt for two weeks as I have tried to process the news that Ian has Mastocytosis and the possibility that he could get leukemia or sarcoma. It all makes sense now. It makes sense why Ian has been fussy, uncomfortable, clingy, sleeps very little (gets up every 1-2 hours during the night), and has poor digestive.

What is mastocytosis? Well, let me explain. Mastocytosis is when mast cells start to accumulate in the body's tissues. There are two types: 1) Cutaneous where the mast cells accumulate in the skin, and 2) Systemic where the mast cells accumulate in various tissues of the body. Cutaneous mastocytosis is the better one to have because systemic mastocytosis has more problems and can lead into cancer. Mast cells are part of the immune system and have histamine to regulate allergic reactions.

Ian has mast cells accumulating in his skin so he has lots of "spots" or lesions. When these spots get irritated, rubbed/scratched, the skin becomes red and the spots become like hives. If too many spots get irritated, then Ian can go into anaphylactic shock because all the mast cells mimic an allergic reaction even when no allergen is present. So we now carry an epi pen with us because we don't know when he could have trouble breathing. We don't know if the mast cells are accumulating in other tissues.

Symptoms vary with this disease but here are some: fatigue, nausea, abdominal discomfort/cramping, musculoskeletal pain, flushing, tachycardia, syncope, anaphylaxis, etc. I could go on for a while about this condition, but I feel that this sums it up without getting too technical.

Ian's blood work to check his liver, blood count, and serum tryptase levels came back normal. This is a good sign since it means that it is most likely cutaneous mastocytosis. However, we will still have to do more blood work and skin biopsy once we see an immunology specialist at Primary Children's hospital. We are currently on the cancellation list because it sounds like it might not be until sometime between July and September before we can get into to see the specialist.

So April has brought many showers into my life to the point that I can barely take one day at a time. I was barely doing each day before this news so I have to be honest and say how much I am struggling. I can barely make it through each day.

 I only am writing this post to let everyone know what is going on and so I don't hear "look at those spots" or "what is wrong with his skin". It cuts my heart every time I hear those words because it is a reminder of what my son has to go through. It is a reminder that he is getting more spots each day. It is a reminder that my time with Ian might not be as long as I want it to be. And this is a reminder for everyone to think before you speak and to be considerate.

And so the only thing I have left to do is pray. I pray for Ian that he will be okay. I pray that I can accept whatever happens to him. And the only thing keeping me a float right now is knowing that families are together forever and that no matter what happens I will see Ian again. I am grateful for that knowledge.



I sure love my little boy and I will do everything in my power to give him the best life I can!

Broden and I only ask for your prayers for our little Ian. We are praying that these April showers will bring our family May flowers. We sure could use some flowers in our lives right now.

Weaknesses Can Become Strengths

As a mother, I have anticipatde all the major milestones my children reach. It is thrilling to watch them grow and develop. I love seeing how they progress. My oldest boy, Patrick, has astonished me with his problem solving skills and mechanical abilities. Before he was 2 years old, he knew which keys went to which cars and he could unlock the door and turn the car on. He quickly learns how things work and how to take apart and put things back together.

Patrick is a burning ball of energy and is driven by his curiuosity to know and his desire to be independent. He is one stubborn boy. His stubbornness almost exceeds mine and that is saying a lot! I guess this is what you get when two stubborn people have a child together. He tries so hard to do everything on his one. I have encouraged him to be curious by not allowing him to watch TV/movies until he was well over 2 years old, and allowed him to solve things on his own without swooping in to show him how it is done.

However, my son struggles with speech. He has for some time now. I have worried about him for well over a year now because despite all my efforts (for example, reading to him for over 20 minutes a day, talking to him, explaining what I do,and doing various preschool activities) he still doesn't speak a lot. Part of his problem is a lack of desire to speak. This reason why I say this because he speaks when he wants to, and I will often catch him speaking and he will stop when he notices me listening. The other part of his problem is that I think speech and social skills don't come easy to him. I notice that he likes to say words he knows, but shuts down when he encounters words he doesn't know. It is almost like he doesn't want to fail. This behavior is something I am to familiar with because I hate failing myself. And, I hate having people see my failures.

For Patrick, his weakness is there for everyone to see and comment on. It is something that people notice right away and point out. It is a sore spot with me because I feel like I have failed my son. Plus, I feel some people feel I'm not a good mom because my son would rather play and explore instead of speak.

A couple of nights away while I was reading a few scripture stories before bed, I had an amazing experience with Patrick. One that I am extremely grateful that I got to experience. We were reading  about Joseph from the Bible Storybook - God's Love For You. The short story we read about how Joseph's unfortunate circumstances of being sold into slavery by his brothers was turned into something good by God. Joseph was able to interpret dreams of the pharaoh, and he eventually becomes ruler over Egypt. He saves grain so the people are ready to face the drought. Because he ordered food to be stored up, he was able to save his family from starvation. There is this quote in the story that just rang true to me:

"God cared about Joseph and his family, and He cares about us too. Just as God brought good out of the bad things the brothers had done, He will bring good out of the bad things that happen in your life."

After reading this part, the spirit came and spoke strongly to my heart. I took Patrick and told him that even though you struggle speaking and this is your weakness, God will make this weakness strong and he will make something good out of this situation. It was a huge comfort to me because I have been worried sick about my son and I have been praying so much about what to do about him. And these last few days have been completely different. Patrick has been speaking SO much more. Even though I can't understand everything he says and even though it is not a lot compared to other kids his age, it is more than he has done before. To me, this is a miracle and a blessing. I know Patrick felt something that night and felt his Heavenly Father's love. I know God does hear my prayers, and I know that He can make good things out of the bad things that happen in life.

Christmas Miracles

Christmas is such a magical time of year. It brings out the best in the people, and reminds me how much I need to love and help the people around me. I'm constantly amazed about the generoisty and love that is shown throughout this season. It makes me so happy to see how society takes a moment to remember to think about others instead about themselves.

My husband is great at this. He is a very loving and generous person. He loves to leave big tips to cheer up the waiters or waitresses, he helps people with computer and car problems in his very little spare time, and he is constantly finding ways to help people get back on their feet. He is a constant reminder to me that I need to be more generous and more giving. I grew up in a household environment that was full of anger, yelling, and verbal abuse. I learned from an early age that I need to look out for me. I'm so grateful for Broden to help remind me to find ways to help others and forget about my worries.

Miracle 1

I have to be honest to say that sometimes Broden's generosity worries me. I worry because I feel we aren't saving enough money and we are spending too much (I worry about money constantly because of the lack of money growing up). I even have to admit that sometimes I get upset with Broden when he gives way more than we agreed upon. A few weeks ago, our jeep stopped working. The weather got really cold at Broden's work and the coolant wasn't sufficient to protect the jeep. Thus, the jeep froze and many parts ruptured. The cost to repair the jeep was just a few hundred dollars less than what we paid for it. It was a really expensive fix. Broden said he could buy the parts and fix it himself, but we both knew that wasn't a great option. Broden has been working between 60 - 80 hours a week for a year now so the jeep would get repaired when Broden had time.

The automotive shop we took it too told Broden that the cost of the jeep was taken care of. We were shocked. The mechanic told Broden that he wanted to take care of the repairs and cost because he felt he needed too and because he has seen how much Broden has helped so many others out. This was a huge blessing and a miracle in our lives. We didn't have the money to afford such a costly repair. I'm so grateful for the love and generosity displayed by this kind man because he was an answer to our prayers.

Miracle 2

As I am sitting here writing about this miracle, some might question if it really is a miracle considering the way that I feel right now. But, I can't deny what I know. This month has marked the first time in a little over six years that I have actually woken up and felt refreshed and alive with energy. Six years ago, my health took a turn for the worse. I was an extremely hard working, up before my alarm clock, marathon runner that wasn't afraid of anything. Then, my body decided to rebel against me. I developed tingling, numbing, and burning pains in my body and an extreme exhaustion that never left. I struggled getting up in the morning and struggled walking up stairs. My ability to quickly master new material and succeed at my tasks with ease disappeared. After many many tests (spinal tap, MRI's, muscle/nerve, blood), it was concluded that I have Multiple Sclerosis. Techincally, I'm labeled as pre-MS meaning that I will develop into full blown eventually. I display all the symptoms and characteristics of MS, but don't have any clear defined lesions on the brain or spinal chord. When I was told that I would need to do an MRI every year to check my brain/spinal chord, I told them no. I said it is ridiculous to treat people until they develop lesions (scar tissue). It is like treating cancer patients when they get to a stage 4 instead of a stage 1 or 2. The only good thing about this is that I don't have an official diagnosis so my insurance rates don't get affected because "techincally" I'm healthy and "it's all in my head"

Anyways, I was able to have several days where I felt great from the start of the day and where my tingling/numbness was practically nonexistent. Even though my symptoms are back full blown right now, I am grateful for those days. I can hope that this is just a beginning of better days. I can hope for the miracle that someday my body will be healed and I won't be afflicted by this ailment anymore.

What miracles have you seen in your life?

5 Years

Last Friday, the 20th, marked five years of being married to Broden. I can't believe we have been married for 5 years. I know to many people this is a small number, but it is a big number to us. We have had good times as well as rough times. Despite the rough storms we have weathered, I am so grateful that I married Broden. The trials we have experience have only made us stronger. I personally feel that I don't deserve Broden because he is too good for me. In the words of Broden, "God loves you.". God sure does!

Our anniversary was a really special one because we finally got to spend time together. Because of Broden's work schedule, we haven't been on a date for over 3 months. I was so happy when I found out he was able to get the day off so we could celebrate our special day. Other years, Broden had to work.

We wanted to make it special so we decided to go do sealings at the Logan Temple. I wanted to hear the sealing words again and help other married couples to be married for time and all eternity. It was such a beautiful experience. When we got married, I decided that I would get married in my temple dress. I did this so that every time I go to the temple, I would remember that I got married in it. I am so happy that I did this because I got to do sealings in the dress I was married in!While we were at the temple, we met the cutest older couple who were also celebrating their 56th anniversary. It was so cute to watch them interact with each other and see how time has strengthened their love for each other. I hope Broden and I will become like that couple.

Broden gave me a beautiful gift. He had a jeweler custom make a pea pod to hold our two pearls that we got in Hawaii during our honeymoon (our trip to Hawaii was on our first anniversary; our original honeymoon got canceled due to severe winter storms).

While in Hawaii, we decided to open up a oyster. In the oyster were two golden pearls. It was so exciting to have two of them. The lady told us that the golden pearls meant wealth and prosperity and that because there were two of them, then our prosperity would be doubled (one can only hope that this will come true). She also told us that twins are in our future (we will have to wait and see about that one).

Some of meanings of the gold pearls are: Riches, Wealth, Prosperity, Freedom, Success, Love, Illumination, Compassion, Self-Esteem, Courage, Passion, Wisdom.

I really needed this day to rejuvenate my tired soul. It has been a boost to my spirits and I have been feeling better since. I am so grateful to have Broden in my life because he has showed me that happily ever afters do exist! I am also grateful for the knowledge that Broden and I are sealed for time and all eternity and that we will be together forever.

Speaking of forever, I got Broden wood letters that spell out forever. This word has a special meaning for us because while we were dating, we didn't know what our future will be like due to my health problems. I gave me the wood letters because the modern gift for the 5th anniversary is wood and I thought this would be a fun project for us to paint/stain the letters and hang them up in our room.

Anyways, I hope you all have a Merry Christmas!!

Checklist

This is a post for me. This is a post that I write so I can become a better person, wife, and mother. I am the type of person that loves to have everything turn out actually as I plan. I hate when things don't go as planned. I also am the person that plans for the future and can end up finding myself wishing for future days to be here now. I sometimes get caught up thinking it would be nice when my kids can do things for themselves and how nice it would be when they don't need my constant attention so I can get my things done.

I find myself focusing on my checklist of things I need to get done such as:

• Make breakfast, lunch, and dinner
• Wash and dry cloth diapers
• Do laundry
• Clean kitchen from all the cooking
• Clean up toys
• Dust or vacuum (depending on the day of the week)
• Check email
• Keep clean diapers on kiddos
• Get myself ready for the day
• Get kiddos ready for bed
• Reading/journaling
• etc.

And, I do a pretty good job at my getting my checklist done. I feel like I'm an okay mom for at least keeping up with all the household chores. When I start looking at things I have mentally checked off, I notice how I have forgotten what is truly important. I guess this Christmas season of trying to put Jesus Christ as the center of the celebration has caused me to do much reflection and evaluation of my character.

I noticed that these items on my checklist have taken precedent, and I am putting my husband and kiddos second. I am not saying that having a clean and orderly home is bad. I am saying that there needs to be a balance. I see how much my kiddos are changing, and soon there will be a time where they won't come to me wanting to be held, to play cars, or tell me about their amazing discovery. I don't want to miss out on those moments. I don't want to miss out building a trusting and loving relationship together.

I am truly humbled by the quiet promptings of the spirit telling me that I need to set aside these good things so I can do the better things. What will I remember years down the road: a clean orderly house and a mom who gets exasperated because she must clean or do her things, or a house with small messes and the memories of playing with my kiddos and having those precious moments where we spend time together doing what they want to do. I choose my family.

Here is my checklist that I need to do everyday:

• Cuddle and hug my boys a little longer
• Hold my boys tighter when they are crying instead of groaning inside saying not again
• Come join them as they play with their toys and use their imagination
• Read them stories especially stories about Jesus and other prophets
• Tell my boys constantly how much I love them
• When my boys need my attention, stop what I am doing and give them that attention
• And, of course, read scriptures and pray

I know that by putting my family first on my checklist, then our relationships will be stronger. I know that choosing these better things, then my life will be blessed. I know that priortizing my time the way it really should be, then everything will work out.

I am so grateful for this beautiful Christmas season!

What is on your checklist?

Prayers Are Answered

This wasn't the post I was planning on writing, but I feel like I need to share the experience I had today. From my previous post, you now know that I have struggled with postpartum depression. I have been feeling extremely well. I do have ups and downs, but overall my down days aren't too bad. However, today was a really bad day.

My mood slowly worsened over the day, and my thoughts grew dark and dismal. I struggled with my patience today because I have been up most of the nights with Ian which lead to me feeling like a terrible mom. And, then those thoughts lead to other ugly thoughts about myself.  Broden was worried about me especially since he had to leave for work and I wasn't feeling any better. Broden is the one that helps me out of my moods and start seeing the positive about myself.

So I was left by myself and my dark thoughts. I tried to distract myself, but nothing worked. It got really bad, and I didn't want to get worse and be depressed for days. I then turned to Heavenly Father. I was hesitant to ask for help because I felt selfish. I felt like I shouldn't be asking for help when so many others I know need His help more. I pleaded with Him to help me because I didn't know what to do and I needed help to dismiss the terrible thoughts I was having. When I ended my prayer, these words entered my mind: Turn the light on and someone will come. I never turn my porch light on night because I try to minimize the amount of electricity that I use. I debated whether or not to do it, and the words entered my mind again. I decided I would have faith, and I turned my porch light on.

A little bit later in the evening, there was a knock. I went to the door and on my doormat was a bouquet of flowers and a note. I broke into tears because my prayer was answered, and I knew that Heavenly Father was telling me that I matter. My stormy clouds blew over and it was because of those flowers.

I am so grateful for prayer and for the love I have felt from Heavenly Father tonight. I am so grateful for that someone who came and rescued me from my troubling thoughts. I know prayers are answered and that everyone's prayers matter to Heavenly Father. I know that Heavenly Father loves me and loves all His children.

How Gratitude Can Change Your Life

Instead of being at church, I'm at  home with my sick boys, I can't help but think about this Thanksgiving season and the importance of gratitude. I have to be honest and inform my readers that gratitude is something that does not come easy for me. Too often in my life, I dwell on the negative and what I want instead of what is positive and what I have been blessed with.

Former General Relief Society President, Bonnie D. Parkin, stated,

 "Gratitude requires awareness and effort, not only to feel it but to express it. Frequently we are oblivious to the Lord’s hand. We murmur, complain, resist, criticize; so often we are not grateful." (gratitude - a path to happiness). 

When I reflect my life, I realize how much I have complained and murmured. It is truly saddening how often I don't recognize the Lord's hand in my life. I have noticed that when I'm not grateful and when I'm full of anger and frustration, my mind is clouded with all that has gone wrong. Once I take a step back and start identifying the blessings I have, I immediately recognize how much the Lord has blessed me.

It is easy for me to get caught up in all the things I don't have. And, saddly, I sometimes feel that it is these material things that will make me happy. President Thomas S. Monson said:

"Do material possessions make us happy and grateful? Perhaps momentarily. However, those things which provide deep and lasting happiness and gratitude are the things which money cannot buy: our families, the gospel, good friends, our health, our abilities, the love we receive from those around us. Unfortunately, these are some of the things we allow ourselves to take for granted" (divine gift of gratitude).

I don't like being negative and ungrateful so it is something I have been steadily improving upon every day. I have noticed that when I start to look at all I have been blessed with, my attitude changes and I am a much happier person.

Why should we have gratitude?

 President James E. Faust said,

"It seems as though there is a tug-of-war between opposing character traits that leaves no voids in our souls. As gratitude is absent or disappears, rebellion often enters and fills the vacuum. I do not speak of rebellion against civil oppression. I refer to rebellion against moral cleanliness, beauty, decency, honesty, reverence, and respect for parental authority. A grateful heart is a beginning of greatness. It is an expression of humility. It is a foundation for the development of such virtues as prayer, faith, courage, contentment, happiness, love, and well-being.(gratitude as a saving priniciple)

Gratitude establishes the ground work for good qualities. Gratitude helps us to stop thinking about ourselves and start thinking of others and what others have done for us. Doctrine and Coventants section 78 verse 19 states, "He who receiveth all things with thankfulness shall be made glorious".

In times of happiness, gratitude is easily found. We can readily see what we have because it is easy to see the beauty in life. However, when tribulation arises, it is much harder to see the good and the beauty of life. What do we do in those situations? What is our first response?

Bonnie D. Parkin continued in her address by saying,

The kind of gratitude that receives even tribulations with thanksgiving requires a broken heart and a contrite spirit, humility to accept that which we cannot change, willingness to turn everything over to the Lord—even when we do not understand, thankfulness for hidden opportunities yet to be revealed. Then comes a sense of peace.

When was the last time you thanked the Lord for a trial or tribulation? Adversity compels us to go to our knees; does gratitude for adversity do that as well?

This concept of being grateful for tribulations is one where I am working on. It is too easy for me to complain and ask why me. With the help of God and my husband, I am starting to identify what is right in my life instead of what is wrong.

President Thomas S. Monston stated,

 "My brothers and sisters, to express gratitude is gracious and honorable, to enact gratitude is generous and noble, but to live with gratitude ever in our hearts is to touch heaven." (divine gift of gratitude).

 I want to touch heaven and I want a part of heaven in my life now.

Here is a list of some of things I am grateful for:

• My health problems for they allowed me to see what it is truly important in life and to slow down in my busy life so I could meet my husband
• My husband who constantly supports me during all my good and bad moods
• My two sons who show me how life is beautiful and to enjoy the present
• My Savior, Jesus Christ,who made it possible to return back to Heavenly Father by atoning for my sins.
• Working vehicles to make transportation to and from destinations easy
• Being a stay at home mom
• Family
• A home to raise my family in
• A yard to plant a garden and play with my family
• The gospel that brings me peace and happiness

 I encourage everyone (including me) to establish goals to become more grateful in life. Maybe try to do a gratitude journal, a gratitude board, etc. I know that when we practice the principle of gratitude, then we find true happiness. I know that being grateful allows us to see how God has blessed our lives. I know that gratitude erases the feelings of sadness, anger, and hurt.

So what are you grateful for?