Til We Meet Again My Precious Baby Girl

When my husband and I decided to have another baby, we were so excited and nervous. We already have two young children, but we felt that someone wanted to join our family. We decided to trust God, trust our feelings, and go ahead with having another baby. We love children, and we overjoyed with the idea of having another precious child in our home. We felt that it was the right time. So when we found out we were pregnant the end of September, we were so excited.

We made my doctor's appointment a little early since we weren't 100% sure when I was due since I never got my period back due to breastfeeding. When the day the appointment arrived, we were so excited to get to see our precious baby. However, the unexpected happened. I never thought that my doctor's appointment would end up in me leaving in tears and feeling so helpless. At my doctor's appointment, I was informed by my doctor that my pregnancy would most likely end up in a miscarriage. All she could say to me was "it is hard growing a baby" and "at least you know you can kids". I left so angry because my baby, the one I might lose, matters to me. My baby that would be number 3 matters.

I had to wait several hours to hear back on the results of the blood work to determine my hormone levels. Based on the results, my doctor said "it is a miscarriage". My baby measured 6.5 weeks and I knew I was somewhere between 6 to 10 weeks along. The doctor felt that there should have been a heartbeat.She wanted me to get vaginal pills or schedule a D&C. I was horrified. From my research, there was still a possibility that I might not have a miscarriage so I believed in that. I told my doctor that I would wait two days and get my blood drawn again so I would know without a doubt what was going on. My doctor wasn't happy, but I didn't care. I already made up my mind that I would never see her again. Life is very sacred to me and I treat life with respect. I could not take something that would make my body start cramping and bleeding if my baby was still alive.

And so began the longest 2 days of my life. I rested, I prayed, and then I prayed and rested some more. I prayed for a miracle. I prayed that my precious baby girl would be saved (I felt that this baby was a girl and so far I have never been wrong about the gender of my babies). When moments of doubt entered my mind, I would go and pray to remove my unbelief. I told God that I put my trust in Him. My husband felt the same way that I did so I was grateful to have his love and support. During my days of prayer, I came across this quote by  Dieter F. Uchtdor, 1st counselor of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, that I felt was an answer to my prayer!

I know many of you struggle with difficulties and trials. You are in my prayers. I hope that you will continue to pray as well. Your prayers are heard. Your Father in Heaven knows the desires of your heart. I cannot tell you why one individual’s prayers are answered one way while someone else’s are answered differently. But this I can tell you: the righteous desires of your hearts will bring blessings to your lives.

No matter your circumstances or trials in life, I urge you to remember who you are, where you came from, and where you are going—for the answers to those questions will truly provide confidence and direction for your life.

When the two days were up and I finally got my blood work results in, I couldn't believe what I was told. My hormone levels dropped quite a bit. I was having a miscarriage. What hurt the most was to have to tell my husband the news. He was in shock and didn't want to believe. He asked, "Could they be wrong?" I will never forget the look in his eyes when he learned the truth from my eyes. Oh how we both wished that the blood work was wrong. But deep down I knew the tests weren't wrong. This pregnancy felt different. I figured it was due to me being tired because I have two kids to take care of and more responsibilities. But now it makes sense. For the last month I had expressed concern to Broden about my feelings and the fact that I haven't had a dream about our baby. I normally have a dream about holding a baby when I am first pregnant and that is when I know if the baby is a male or female. I didn't have a dream because I wasn't going to get to hold my baby in this life.

I don't regret my two days of praying for a miracle. I don't regret believing that my baby was still alive. I know of stories where women were in my situation and their baby lived! So if you are in my situation, then don't give up. Wait a few more days because you never know if your baby will be a miracle baby!

Once again the hospital tried to persuade me to do get vaginal pills or do a D&C and I told them no. I wanted to do my miscarriage naturally. They weren't too happy, and I didn't care. I was so done with the hospital that I turned to a group of "crunchy mamas" for help and support. A midwife from the group contacted me and showed me so much support. She told me what to expect, how to manage the bleeding, and herbs and oils to use. I could contact her anytime with questions, and she would answer them as quickly as she could. I understand why so many women go to midwives now. I think I might go to a midwife when I have another baby.

I waited several days before my body officially started the miscarriage. Thankfully, I had my husband to be with me and my mom to watch the kids. When I passed the placenta and egg sac, there was so much peace in the room. A feeling of sacredness entered the room. I truly felt my little girl there telling me and Broden that everything will be okay...telling me that she is more than her little body...telling me that she will be visiting me frequently...and telling me that she will be waiting until the day that I can see her again. Broden made a simple box so we could do a do a little memorial for her and bury her in our yard in a safe place.It just felt right to do that. Oh, how I am grateful that I know that life continues beyond the grave.

During this time of loss, I got to see the love and kindness that life offers to everyone. I had people bring in meals, small gifts, and flowers. I had people text and call to see how I was doing. I was supported during the hardest experience of my life. I had to focus on those things as I went through a roller coaster of emotions. Hannah was very kind and shared this video with me. I have listened to it so many times because it truly speaks to my aching soul.

The Thanksgiving holiday was truly hard for me. It was the time that my husband and I were going to announce to our family and friends that we were expecting. Instead we had to face the hard truth that our little girl will not be joining our family right now. Instead I had to think has it really been 9 days since I lost my baby. It was hard to be so grateful for my blessings but yet be so empty and sad. I am extremely grateful to have read this article because it made me feel more normal.

I know it might be hard to know what to do or say to those who have experienced a loss of a child in any way. Here is an article that will help: pardon my grief.

My pregnancy hormones have left my body. I no longer feel nauseated which makes me curl up and cry. My pants fit better which makes me angry. I hear from family and friends who are expecting and I cry. Don't get me wrong, I am happy for their news. I would never wish a miscarriage on anyone; it is just hard to know that you have lost a precious baby and wonder why your baby couldn't stay.

I am grieving. I am devastated. My emotions change dramatically over the day. These last two weeks have been the longest two weeks of my life. Where can I turn for peace? I have turned to my God and to my Savior, Jesus Christ. I rely on them for support and understanding.  My testimony in the resurrection and in Jesus Christ keeps me afloat knowing that my little girl lives. I am using the atonement provided by my Savior, Jesus Christ, to heal. A little bit by little, I am healing. I feel a little more. I'm not as angry. I feel that I will survive.

My little girl will always be remembered. Broden and I have numbered her as one of our children. She will not be forgotten. We are healing, but there will always be a part of our hearts that will yearn for the day when we will get to see and hold her.

There Is No Such Thing As Luck

Back in September, we were all outside. Broden and I wanted to get a lot of yard work done. Broden trimmed a lot of dead branches from our trees so we needed to cut them up and put some in the green waste, shred them, and do a burn barrel.

Anyways, I decided to take the kids in to start getting dinner ready. They were having so much fun outside. Patrick was digging in the dirt and playing with his dump truck while Ian explored the yard and occasionally helped Patrick dig in the dirt. When I was collecting the food that I picked from the garden and encouraging the kids to head to the house, that is when I heard Broden shout and turn off the table saw. I immediately felt sick to my stomach as Broden ran to the house.

While I quickly got the kids inside, I waited anxiously to hear how bad Broden cut himself. I was so afraid that he cut off some fingers. However, he only cut one finger and it was still attached to his hand. So I left my chickens and my rabbit in my yard and prayed that nothing would go wrong as I packed up the kids and took Broden to the Instacare. I know....the insta care. But that is what Broden insisted on going. I have to admit that I did speed since Broden wasn't looking the best. After I dropped him off at the instacare, I then took my kids to my mom's place.

Broden was able to get seen right away because he almost passed out from the shock of the accident. Because the doctor said the cut was deeper than she was comfortable stitching, I took him to the ER. After 4.5 hours of waiting, x rays, and stitches, we were able to go home. The amazing thing is that the table saw only nicked the bone and missed his tendons. The doctor told Broden that he was lucky and Broden quickly stated, "There is no such thing as luck." So true. We know that God blessed Broden with a minimal injury.

And nothing happened to my chickens or rabbit. They were safe and sound. Another blessing! So just remember that there really is no such as luck, instead remember that you were blessed and that Heavenly Father is really watching over you!

Series of mini posts

It has been a while since I have been posting. There are several reasons and one that is really painful. I will explain more in a post in a few weeks. I just want to have a little more time while my mind and body sorts things out. One reason is that I have decided to continue doing my Howling Horn blog. I am only going to do that blog a few times a week and it is going to be a hobby. I won't allow it to take over my life. I have been busier with it the last month because I decided to do a Christmas Gift Guide which I have enjoyed despite the extra work. It actually has helped me through some tough times.

Anyways, I will post several mini posts showing what my family has been up to and funny/cute things that my kids have done.

Thanks for being patient and enjoy these cute posts!

Grateful For May Flowers (wrap up)

It has been a while since I have posted on my blog. Life got extremely busy, and I was having problems trying to get "everything" done. So I ended up taking a break from blogging on both of my blogs. I just needed time to process what I was going through and see what I really wanted to do with my time.

I enjoyed blogging, but I tried to write so many new posts for my other blog that I wore myself out. I now have decided that I will do the other blog as a hobby and not go so crazy with it. And, of course, I will continue blogging on this blog because I love it so much.

As you are aware, the month of April was a really hard month for me. I received lots of showers to the point that I felt that I was drowning in all the water. I felt lost and scared until I remembered that April showers bring May flowers. As I started to see the flowers in my life, I realized that I am actually standing in a meadow of flowers!!

Here are some of the May flowers that I got to enjoy (and still enjoying):

• Patrick is potty trained
• Ian sleeps through the night!!!! (Went from getting up 8 times a night in April to 2-3 times in May to 0 times in the summer)
• Broden's mandatory overtime lessened (hasn't had a 70 work week in a very very long time)
• A very successful garden
• Friends and family who showed me tons of love and support

These are the things that happened during the month of May. I wanted to finish writing up on this because it was amazing to see how much I was loved and how much Heavenly Father was looking out for my family especially Ian.

I just love these boys so so much!!

May Flowers - The Power of Fasting

Because Ian has recently been diagnosed with a rare disease, I have worried a lot about my little boy. He is so precious to me, and I want him to have the best life he can. He has Mastocytosis and we are waiting to meet with a Immunology Specialist in order to verify what type it is (click here for a post about Ian's condition).

Ian can get extremely fussy, and he doesn't sleep well. His disease can cause many types of symptoms so we figure this is why he just doesn't feel well and wants to be held constantly. I sure love to cuddle with Ian, but it prevents me from doing practically everything.

On May 4th, Broden and I decided to do a family fast. We contacted our family members and had them spread the word about the fast. We wanted to pray for Ian's health, his condition to improve, and that we can gave guidance on how to take care of our precious little boy.

This picture just makes me smile :)

And, our prayers were answered! Ian now only gets up 2-3 times a night instead of 6-8. There have even been a few nights where I only got up with him once!!! I know that the fasting and prayers helped Ian because it was May 4th when Ian started to sleep better. We also talked with Ian's doctor about giving him probiotics and the doctor said that it would be a great idea. So we have been giving him probiotics which have helped regulate his digestive system. Ian seems happier. He still has his problems and other symptoms, but I'm so grateful that he now sleeps better.

Plus, we were able to get an appointment into Primary Children's Hospital at end of this month!! This is another huge blessing since we were told it would be most likely between July and September. I'm so grateful for all the family members and friends who have prayed and fasted for Ian. I know that fasting helped my little boy.

And, here is a picture of Patrick playing in his cardboard house I made for him. He sure is getting bigger every day. Patrick loves books so you can usually catch him "reading" when he is playing by himself.

May Flowers - Flowers

My last post was about April Showers, and how life has been extremely hard especially with the news of my little boy, Ian, having a rare disease. I concluded my post by writing:

We are praying that these April showers will bring our family May flowers. We sure could use some flowers in our lives right now.

For at least the month of May, I'm going to write about the flowers in my life. I want to see the good in my life, and I know by doing this it will help me see how much God loves me.

On Saturday, the day before Mother's Day, I wasn't in the best mood for many reasons. I was cleaning the kitchen when I noticed a UPS truck pull up. I didn't know what it could be since we haven't purchased anything online. Then I noticed the box the UPS delivery man was carrying. It was a 1-800 Flowers box.

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was to open the box and see these beautiful tulips inside. And, the message enclosed made me tear up: Hope You Have Many More May Flowers!

I don't know who sent these flowers, but I just want to tell you how much I am grateful for them! Thank you for thinking about me and sending some sunshine into my life.

And then later that same day, one of my best friends stopped by to drop off a vase of flowers. I was so touched by her kind act!

Now every time I enter my kitchen, I get to look at these flowers and be reminded about how I am loved and how May flowers do come!

April Showers Bring May Flowers

April was simply a horrible month for me. I went into April feeling like I was barely hanging onto my rope, and April just knocked me off and I hit what I feel like is rock bottom. Broden has been working tons of mandatory overtime so he is rarely home which leaves me to do the housework and yard work. I love doing yard work, but when that is all I'm doing on only a few hours of sleep then I get really burned out. Why am I only getting so little sleep? One word: Ian.

Which leads me into saying why April was such a horrible month. At Ian's 9 month wellness appointment, I asked about Ian's mole like spots. I kept having a feeling that I needed to talk with the doctor about it, and so I did. And that is when I got the news that no mom wants to hear: "Your baby has a rare disease." My heart has hurt for two weeks as I have tried to process the news that Ian has Mastocytosis and the possibility that he could get leukemia or sarcoma. It all makes sense now. It makes sense why Ian has been fussy, uncomfortable, clingy, sleeps very little (gets up every 1-2 hours during the night), and has poor digestive.

What is mastocytosis? Well, let me explain. Mastocytosis is when mast cells start to accumulate in the body's tissues. There are two types: 1) Cutaneous where the mast cells accumulate in the skin, and 2) Systemic where the mast cells accumulate in various tissues of the body. Cutaneous mastocytosis is the better one to have because systemic mastocytosis has more problems and can lead into cancer. Mast cells are part of the immune system and have histamine to regulate allergic reactions.

Ian has mast cells accumulating in his skin so he has lots of "spots" or lesions. When these spots get irritated, rubbed/scratched, the skin becomes red and the spots become like hives. If too many spots get irritated, then Ian can go into anaphylactic shock because all the mast cells mimic an allergic reaction even when no allergen is present. So we now carry an epi pen with us because we don't know when he could have trouble breathing. We don't know if the mast cells are accumulating in other tissues.

Symptoms vary with this disease but here are some: fatigue, nausea, abdominal discomfort/cramping, musculoskeletal pain, flushing, tachycardia, syncope, anaphylaxis, etc. I could go on for a while about this condition, but I feel that this sums it up without getting too technical.

Ian's blood work to check his liver, blood count, and serum tryptase levels came back normal. This is a good sign since it means that it is most likely cutaneous mastocytosis. However, we will still have to do more blood work and skin biopsy once we see an immunology specialist at Primary Children's hospital. We are currently on the cancellation list because it sounds like it might not be until sometime between July and September before we can get into to see the specialist.

So April has brought many showers into my life to the point that I can barely take one day at a time. I was barely doing each day before this news so I have to be honest and say how much I am struggling. I can barely make it through each day.

 I only am writing this post to let everyone know what is going on and so I don't hear "look at those spots" or "what is wrong with his skin". It cuts my heart every time I hear those words because it is a reminder of what my son has to go through. It is a reminder that he is getting more spots each day. It is a reminder that my time with Ian might not be as long as I want it to be. And this is a reminder for everyone to think before you speak and to be considerate.

And so the only thing I have left to do is pray. I pray for Ian that he will be okay. I pray that I can accept whatever happens to him. And the only thing keeping me a float right now is knowing that families are together forever and that no matter what happens I will see Ian again. I am grateful for that knowledge.



I sure love my little boy and I will do everything in my power to give him the best life I can!

Broden and I only ask for your prayers for our little Ian. We are praying that these April showers will bring our family May flowers. We sure could use some flowers in our lives right now.

Bathtime x2

I know I haven't been writing a lot of posts recently. Well, I just have to say that this month has been one nightmarish month for a variety of reasons. I will eventually explain what is going on, but right now I don't feel like talking about it. Anyways, I needed to think of something happy.

A little while ago, I had to give Patrick a bath. Normally, he took his bath when Ian was napping or in bed. But this time, Ian was up. I thought Ian would be okay with Patrick taking a bath. I was SO wrong. He was so mad that he wasn't in the bathtub. He kept trying to climb into the bathtub so I decided that I would let him take a bath with Patrick.

I have to admit that I was worried about how Patrick would react. Patrick simply loved having Ian in the bathtub. And, Ian was SO happy. He kept splashing and kicking, and Patrick joined in the splashing fun. Ian wasn't even phased by water hitting his face. He had a smile on the entire time.

I truly think Ian was made for the water because he never freaked out once with Patrick's splashing. Maybe he will be a swimmer someday.  I'm just glad that Patrick enjoyed playing with Ian. They will be best friends...I know it!

Preschool

My little boy isn't so little anymore. Patrick just started preschool on Monday. I have been doing preschool at home with him, but I was worried about him and got him tested through the school district. It was found he has some delays, nothing major, but there are things to address now so he won't fall further behind. I decided after much thought and prayer that this is the best path to take. I feel that having some trained professionals work with Patrick with his speech will be the right push he needs.

I'm still pretty sensitive about this subject. Its a sore spot for me because I feel like I have failed my son.It is something that I have spent countless hours crying about because I feel like I should have done better and now my son is paying the price. Anyways, I'm trying to not think along those lines anymore but it is a real challenge for me.

I'm so grateful for this free preschool program. It is comforting to know that the area I live in cares about the children enough to provide a lot of services for them. Patrick goes to preschool several days a week for a couple of hours. He even has a bus that picks him up and drops him off. How cool is that?!? He sure loves the bus.

Right now he is a little hesitant to get on the bus because he wants me or Broden to go with him. It is hard seeing him get upset, but I have been told he calms right down and enjoys the ride. And, it seems he enjoys school too.

I will admit that I cried when Patrick left on his first day. It is hard sending my little boy off to preschool. This is the first time we have been apart for so long and so frequently. But, I try to make use of the time he is gone so I feel a little better about the situation.

Enough of me rambling. Here are some cute pictures! Ian enjoyed the sunny weather while we waited for the bus.

Patrick had fun throwing some rocks into some muddy water.

Last few pictures before the bus arrived.

Anyways, Patrick sure loves his backpack! It is blue with trains, trucks, and cars all over it. All of his favorite things are wrapped up in one backpack!

I can't believe how much he has grown. I'm glad that I have been able to share his baby and toddler years with him. Being a stay at home mom is hard, but it is SO worth it. All of the good moments are totally worth the stressful days. I'm so thankful that Broden works so hard for our family so I can be home with the kids.

Stay tuned because I have some way cute posts coming and posts that provide more information about me!

Favorite Things

Well, I have decided to try harder on focusing on the good in my life. I have the tendency to look at the negative, and I don't want to be like that. So this post is being written to help me see all the cute and fun things that my kiddos do. Raising children is hard, but its a lot easier with a good attitude!

Ian's favorite things 

Ian just loves my kitchen aid. He will be in the living room and as soon as he hears me use it, he will come crawling into the kitchen and right up to me. He then will proceed to cry whimper so I will pick him up so he can get a better look at the cool machine. Don't worry, I make sure he doesn't get too close.

The one thing he loves to eat and which drives me crazy is carpet! He will go to the edges of the carpet and pick at it until he gets a piece of it. Plus, he found a place on the wall where the carpet can be pulled off so he kept doing it until I completely removed it. We are in the process of deciding on how we want to update the floor and baseboards.

Ian loves tools! I have another boy who can't stay away from them. I had to get my tool set out to finish a project, and Ian comes up and takes a tool away from me. He was quite pleased with himself and let me hear it when I took it away (again, don't worry since there nothing sharp).

Patrick's favorite things 

Patrick loves being silly. The other day, he grabbed two sippy cups and put both of them in this mouth. I love how he is constantly trying to do new things (even though it can drive me crazy).

Patrick is still obsessed with trains and he plays with his trains every day. He also still likes making anything into trains. His creativity amazes me.

Oh, and I can't forgot to mention how much Patrick loves to paint! He is obsessed with painting especially painting with the color blue. It has been this way for a long time. He even painted his Halloween pumpkin blue.

Happy Birthday Patrick!

Yesterday was Patrick's 3rd birthday!! I can't believe that he is 3 years old. It seems like it was only months ago that he was a baby that I could cuddle easily in my arms.

And, now Patrick is so big. He is talking so much more!! I know I have expressed my concerns over his speech in the past, and I'm finally beginning to relax because he is jabbering so much. The last week has been so fun because Patrick is talking and talking and talking. Some of my favorite lines are:

• I play with Ian. 
• I pee bubbles. 
• I pooped my pants by the farmhouse (its a toy farmhouse and yes we are working on potty training right now.).
• Dad is home, Dad's home.
• Lets catch the bus

There are so many other things that he says. Anyways, we celebrated the bulk of his birthday on Sunday (a day earlier) because I wanted Broden to take part of the festivities. Broden works crazy hours, and I wanted him to be around for his son's birthday. Patrick had his aunts, uncles, and cousins come over to have cake and ice cream and to open presents.

Patrick is obsessed with trains so I made him a train. I made sure to put lots of blue on it since blue is his favorite color. I also made green cupcakes because his birthday is on St. Patrick's Day!

Patrick had lots of fun opening up his presents. Because his older cousin no longer plays with the firetruck pictured below, my sister-in-law brought it over for Patrick. Let's just say that he was more than thrilled.

And, Patrick got a train set!! We got the table, train tracks, and buildings from a family in our ward. They were going to DI it, and they gave it to us for free. Thank you so much for making Patrick's birthday so special. We just had to buy some trains.

Patrick sure loves his cake!

This is my cute family! We all made sure to wear green!

On Patrick's official birthday, he couldn't stop playing with his train set. He talked about it all day long and didn't want to part from it for one second. Even Ian likes the trains.

And, here are some cute pictures of my boys. Patrick doesn't like getting his picture taken now so I get pictures with funny expressions. Silly boy! I am just glad that Patrick loves Ian and Ian loves Patrick. These boys are such blessings in my life, and I'm working really hard on focusing on the positive! They are making me be a better person!

Happy Birthday Patrick! You are such a dear sweet boy.

Beautiful Sunshine

The weather has finally warmed up, and I couldn't resist taking the kiddos out on a walk. We have been cooped up in the house for a while because of illnesses and bad weather.

But, this last Saturday the weather was beautiful. Broden wasn't able to join us when we went to the park because he was working mandatory overtime. Broden works so hard to take care of our family. I'm so grateful for him.

Patrick had a blast at the park. He has been asking to go to the park for months now. He just loves this red fire truck. I normally sit there with him because he wants me too. I'm glad that he wants me to play with him.

Then, there is the big slide that he can't stop going down. He will say, "Again. Go down slide again!". You can sure see the joy in his face.

And, of course, Patrick had to swing! Who can say no to swinging??

Ian slept the entire time at the park. The only time he napped today. Ian has been a little stinker lately and refuses to sleep for me. I don't get much sleep because of him. But, I sure love him. He did have a big smile on his face at home!

I sure love my boys! I hope that Broden will be able to join in on our adventures too. Patrick sure misses Dad a lot. Anytime he hears the back door open or close, he comes running through the house yelling, "Dads home. Dads home." The door he hears is me going into the laundry room. I just love seeing and hearing how much Patrick loves Broden. Just goes to show how Broden is a wonderful Dad!